


Please Let Those Idiots be Happy

by nekosd43



Series: Tumblr Requests [3]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Father Figures, Feelings, Gen, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Moving On, Relationship Advice, Shovel Talk, Team as Family, wingman merle to the rescue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 13:16:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11464365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekosd43/pseuds/nekosd43
Summary: Merle Highchurch has eyes, and therefore can see that Taako and Magnus are crushing pretty bad on each other.  Unfortunately, they're both too shy/damaged/proud/scared to do anything but drop vague hints and sigh.So Merle takes it upon himself to fix the problem for his two weird not-sons.





	Please Let Those Idiots be Happy

**Author's Note:**

> Originally the prompt for this was about the shovel talk but idk it transformed into "Merle is the tAAGNUS WINGMAN WE ALL DESERVE." SORRY IT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT YOU ASKED FOR @dawnieserix! I tried!
> 
> I take prompts occasionally over on @nd43taags as well as post art and shitpost about Magnus being a chubby dude.

Merle Highchurch had been in love.

In mostly abstract ways, of course.  Romantic love, not so much.  He hadn’t dated much, and There were days where he could almost see himself loving his wife as he settled into the future he was forced into, but he and Hecuba simply didn’t get along.  Arranged marriages were like that sometimes.  But he loved his children, and he loved his friends.  

And he had passing moments, nervous glances exchanged with people that didn’t go anywhere.  Moments that he wasn’t even sure he _wanted_ to go anywhere.  But he knew.  He knew what it felt like to be in love.

Which was why he knew before his friends did.

Those careful glances.  Those wistful sighs.  Those longing moments spent lingering, waiting for someone to appear while you “happened” to be there.  He knew all too well.  Magnus and Taako were in love.  

Fortunately, it was with _each other_.  

Unfortunately, they were both failing to actually _do_ anything about it.

Merle wasn’t sure if it was because they were nervous or confused or just so monumentally _stupid_ .  They had baggage, Merle knew that much.  And they were bad with talking about feelings, anyone with eyes could see that.  And they were so… _so_ stupid.

It was starting to affect team performance.  Magnus was distracted and unfocused (and that resulted in Merle taking more hits than was necessary), and Taako was over performative and and bombastic (and that resulted in some misfired spells in Merle’s direction).  Both of them were not on their game, and Merle was taking the brunt of it.

Honestly their inability to talk about things was going to get him killed.

So it was partially self interest and partially affection for those two idiots that lead him to the decision.

Merle was going to hook those two up _before_ they killed him.

* * *

 

Step one of his master plan was figuring out why they weren’t just _talking_ to each other.

Magnus would be the easier of the two to work down, so Merle invited him to the greenhouse to help out with some gardening.

“There’s lots of lifting and shit I need help with,” Merle explained, “I’m an old man, are you going to make me lift fertilizer by myself?”

Magnus rolled his eyes, but did not bother to protest.

The greenhouse was sweltering and humid, and Merle felt his hair frizzing out from it’s bun as they worked.  Lucretia had tasked Merle with growing medicinal herbs for the base because of his skills with plants, but the greenhouse had been in pretty bad shape before Merle had the job.  It had taken a lot of work to get it back to a decent state.

After a few hours of silently helping Merle rearrange planters and cart literal shit around, Magnus sighed deeply and wiped his forehead with his bandana.

“I’m not much of a gardener,” Magnus laughed.  “Never had the time for it.”

“Nah you don’t need time,” Merle replied, carefully tying a vine to a trellis.  “Plants are pretty cool with minimal attention, as long as the little attention they get is quality.  You gotta have love, but you don’t have to devote every moment to them.  They’re pretty independant.”

“That’s… I guess I hadn’t thought about that,” Magnus said.  “All my experiences with gardening have been hyper focused on trying to get things to grow.”

The moisture in the air made every word they spoke seem heavy, and Merle could sense that Magnus was feeling that.  Things said in this garden carried weight.  Exactly what Merle was hoping for.

“You had a garden before?” Merle asked.

“Yeah back… Back when I was married,” Magnus said quietly, and Merle could see his grip tightening on his kerchief.  “My wife was a bit of a black thumb, but she wanted a garden so bad.”

_Wife_.  The word seemed to echo around the room.  Merle had suspected Magnus had been married (he still wore a wedding ring) but they had never spoken about it.  Merle wanted to reward Magnus’ honesty with some truth of his own, though he had little to offer.

“At least she probably loved it,” Merle scoffed, taking a moment to observe his handiwork and make sure the vine was properly attached.  “My ex wife hated gardening.  Any time I tried to grow anything she’d holler and moan about it being a waste of time.”

“You were married?” Magnus asked.

“It was arranged, but yean” Merle explained, moving onto the next plant.  “Most dwarven marriages are.  You were married too?”

“Yeah… she passed away,” Magnus sighed.

“Fuck, sorry,” Merle said, wincing.  He knew that Magnus had baggage but he hadn’t known what it was.  This made a lot of sense.  His over protectiveness.  His unwillingness to open up about his feelings.  Losing someone you love would do that.

“Nah it’s okay, it’s been a few years,” Magnus said slowly.  Merle wasn’t sure if that was true or not.

“Do you like gardening?” Merle asked, swerving away from the sensitive topic.

“I like the idea of growing shit, I like working with my hands,” Magnus shrugged, “I’m not very patient though.”

“Yeah I could see that,” Merle laughed.  “It’s hard to sit back and wait for things to happen.”

“Yeah…”

“In fact I’d say it’s downright uncharacteristic of you to hang back from things,” Merle continued.  “You like to rush in.”

Magnus nodded, unsure where this was going.  Merle gestured over to have Magnus hold the trellis steady as he worked with a particularly stubborn plant.

“Listen… And feel free not to answer me, it’s cool if you don’t want to talk about it but…” Merle looked at Magnus softly.  “Do you _like_ Taako?”

“... Yeah?  He’s my friend.”

“No no,” Merle said, shaking his head.  “Like him.  Like, _like like_ him.”

Magnus laughed with a hearty, booming laugh that felt out of place in the quiet of the greenhouse.

“Are we in _grade school_?” he gasped, catching his breath.

“I’m serious!” Merle cried, “I may be old but Merle’s seen a crush or two in his time and you?  You’ve got it _bad_.”

Magnus was turning red.  “I don’t… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Listen son, you’re human,” Merle said bluntly, “You’ve got no reason to waste time hemming and hawing about _what ifs_ and _but maybes_.  If you have feelings for someone you should act on them.”

“It’s not that it’s…” Magnus stammered, “I’m not sure…”

“You’ve been hurt, right?” Merle said, putting a dirty gloved hand on Magnus’ chest.  “You’re afraid of being hurt again.  But Taako… he’s just like these plants.  He’s not looking for _all_ of your time and attention.  Just _quality_ time.  Even if it doesn’t pan out, don’t you want to at least say you tried?”

“How do I even _start_?” Magnus asked.

“Maybe something like ‘ _You really are a great a magician, because Abraca-DAYUM!’_ or-”

“That’s terrible,” Magnus said smiling, but scrunching his nose up.

“Eh it needs workshopping,” Merle shrugged, “But the point is, _go for it_.  You’re not getting younger.  And things aren’t getting easier.”

“I just… I loved my wife,” Magnus said quietly.

“So?” Merle said.  “She loved you too.  She’d want you to be happy, not suffering and holding out on yourself because of her.”

Magnus laughed at that.  “Okay you didn’t even know her, but that’s probably true.”

“Magnus, I don’t doubt that someone who loved you enough to marry you was a one-of-a-kind gal,” Merle sighed with a smile.  “But you’re a one-of-a-kind guy too, and if you _want_ to try this falling in love shit again, you should.  Don’t hold yourself back if you’re feeling something.  That’s not you.  That’s not the you she loved.”

“Yeah… Maybe.” Magnus replied, and the smile he gave seemed tired but genuine.  “Thanks for this.”

“Any time big guy,” Merle said, putting a hand on Magnus’ shoulder.  “Any time.”

* * *

 

Taako would be the difficult one.  That was just his nature.  There was no way Merle was going to have a spontaneously deep heart-to-heart with the elf about _feelings_ and _love_ and all that nonsense.  Taako definitely kept that shit on lock down.

Things would have to be more abstract.

The time came unexpectedly when they both ended up needing to go to Fantasy Costco for spell components.  They tried never to go to that store alone; Garfield’s deals got a little more _sinister_ when he got one of the boys on their own.  So they tried to synchronize their shopping trips, and it turned out that Merle ran out of purified water at the same time Taako needed more glass beads and feathers.  So the two of them grabbed their bags and headed to the place where all their dreams could come true.

“I can’t believe you cast enough spells to actually _use_ components,” Taako teased as the sliding doors opened.

“Oh I don’t _use_ them, I mostly _lose_ them,” Merle corrected.  “I can’t find shit anywhere in the dorm.”

“So you’re telling me that there’s probably a bunch of little vials of water and bushels of herbs shoved into the couch or something?”

“I’m thinking more _under_ the couch,” Merle shrugged.  “Maybe under my bed.”

Taako grabbed a basket and headed towards the Arcane section, pausing occasionally to look into barrels and vats of ingredients.

There had to be a way to delicately breech the subject Merle needed to talk about.

“So Taako…” he coughed, clearing his throat.  “You seeing anyone?”

Nice.  Perfect.

Taako froze where he was, a bundle of twigs in his hand.  His eyes slid to glare at Merle.

“Why the fuck are you asking me this?” he sighed.

“I just like to keep up with what my boys are doing,” Merle replied.  “This is gonna sound sappy but-”

“Please don’t say it,” Taako interrupted with a moan.

“You and Magnus are like my… weird nephews or something,” Merle continued, “I want to know what’s going on in your lives.”

Taako turned back to the bundle of twigs, inspecting them closely.  Satisfied, he put them into the basket.

“Why, does Magnus have something going on?” he said calmly.

“Oh, it could be nothing,” Merle smoothly replied.  “He’s just pining something awful for a secret crush he has.”

Taako glanced at Merle again.

“Secret… crush?”

“Yeah the guy is absolutely head over heels for someone,” Merle explained, “But the idiot is too shy to make the first move!  Can you believe that?  Magnus being _shy_?”

“Ridiculous,” Taako scoffed, examining a potion bottle label carefully before putting it back on the shelf.

“Yeah I told him there’s no reason to pussyfoot around,” Merle laughed.  “He’s human, he doesn’t have time like that to waste.  But he said all this shit about _not being sure_ and _waiting for the right moment._ ”

Taako put some dried mushrooms into his basket.

“Did… did he happen to say… I-I mean…  is it anyone we know?” Taako stammered.

“I _think_ it’s someone on base,” Merle said sagely, “But he didn’t say who it was.”

They walked in silence for a bit, checking out various semi-precious stones cut into travel sized pebbles for spellcasting.  Taako was suddenly very focused on the errand, looking at every component closely as if trying to see through it to the flaws at it’s core.

When they reached the cages where live bugs and creatures were kept for the more _animated_ ingredients, Taako turned to Merle with a frown.

“So, _hypothetically_ ,” he mused, not looking directly at the dwarf.  “Say someone has been trying to drop hints for _ages_ to Magnus, but the idiot has not been picking up those signals.”  He fiddled with his sleeve absentmindedly.  “What was the issue?  Were they being too subtle?”

_Subtle_ was not Taako’s specialty.  Taako could not be subtle if his life depended on it, and anyone with eyes could see that he had been dropping hints.

“ _Hypothetically_ ,” Merle replied, “that person probably didn’t know Magnus had some personal shit to deal with that was keeping him from seeing those signals clearly.”

“Is he straight?” Taako said bluntly, and Merle started to laugh so hard he coughed again.  “Seriously Merle cut the bull, is he straight?”

“I dunno about _straight_ ,” Merle laughed.  “But he definitely was way more calm about this shit than you are!”

Taako sighed.

“Alright cool, secret’s out,” he grumbled.  “Taako has a crush on the bear.  Taako’s _had_ a crush since he fucking jumped off a catwalk through a plate glass window to save me from ogres.”

“It’s a very sweet way to meet people,” Merle chuckled.

“But, like, he’s sending out signals that say ‘ _Please oh god I’m so alone I need literally anyone to give me a hug’_ but also ‘ _Stay the fuck away I have issues and I have zero interest in opening up about them’_ ,” Taako sighed.  “And I get that.  I do.  I’ve… I’ve got issues too.  But how’s a guy supposed to read that?”

“I mean, you read them 100% accurately,” Merle shrugged.  “The man desperately wants a hug but also sucks at opening up.”

“I just don’t want…” Taako hesitated, watching some crickets crawl around in their cage.  “I don’t want to _say_ something, and then things be _weird_ between us.”

“He’s a good friend,” Merle agreed.

“And I’ve got so _few_ of those,” Taako muttered.

“Listen Taako,” Merle said, gesturing for Taako to kneel next to him.  The elf hesitated, then got down on the floor so he was eye level with Merle.  “I get that you’re not the kind of guy that takes unnecessary risks, and that’s good most of the time!  Saves me a lot of trouble at least!”

“Like you’ve ever fucking healed anyone in your life,” Taako smirked.

“But _loving_ people, be it friends or something more, is _always_ a risk,” Merle continued, ignoring the slight against him.  “And in this case, it’s a risk _worth taking_.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Taako laughed, rolling his eyes.

“Nah I’m serious,” Merle replied, “I think Magnus is the kind of guy that would be cool with it even if he wasn’t interested.  He’s got a lot of love to spare.”

“You _think_?”

“I _know_ ,” Merle said with a wink.  “The man is shy, and working through some baggage.  But I think he’s been getting those signals clear as day.”

“So… I should make the first move,” Taako realized.

“Exactly!” Merle cried.  “He’s dense and afraid but so _eager_ to love people.  If you wait around for him to figure it out you’ll be waiting for the rest of his life.”

With that, Taako stood up and roughly pat Merle on the head like a dog.  Merle glared at him, but Taako only smiled, and that made him soften too.

“You know… You’re not _completely_ shit at this uncle thing,” Taako mused.

* * *

 

It was a few days before Merle saw the sprouts of the seeds he had planted in the boy’s minds.  He didn’t expect them to change overnight, that was too much too fast for troubled men set in their ways.  But they were softening, opening slowly like flowers of their own, and Merle could see that things were about to pop off any day now.

One afternoon Magnus caught him in the common room with a smile.

“I think… I think I want to take Taako out for coffee,” Magnus said.

“Good for you big guy!” Merle cried, patting him on the hip.

“Yeah I just… I think it’s time,” Magnus hummed.

“When you asking him?” Merle asked.

“Ugh _that_ I don’t know yet,” Magnus replied sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck nervously.  “Do you think he’ll say yes or…?”

“Magnus, remember what we talked about,” Merle teased.

“I know I know,” Magnus laughed, “I’m definitely doing this.  I’m rushing in!”

“That’s what I like to hear!” Merle chuckled.  “Now Magnus, I have something kinda serious I want to talk about.”

Magnus nodded and bent down so that he was closer to Merle’s face.

“I like you big guy,” Merle continued.  “I like Taako too.  I’m happy you guys are finally going to try and work this shit out.  But I’m a worrier and a dad at heart.”

“Is this… are you gonna _dad_ this?” Magnus laughed.

“I’m just saying Taako’s a beloved member of our team, and if you hurt him you’re threatening to _tear the very fabric of this team apart_.”

Magnus went a little pale at that, but Merle punched him in the hip gently.

“I’m not trying to scare you big guy, I’m saying… be _careful_ ,” Merle smiled warmly.  “You’re both pretty fucked up.  Go slow, but don’t hesitate.  Be gentle and thoughtful of each other, and we won’t have any problems.”

“I think I get what you mean,” Magnus said, and the color started to return to his cheeks.  “You don’t have to worry about that Merle, I’ll be careful for us both.”

That same day Taako flicked some tuna casserole at Merle across the cafeteria to get his attention, and in a hushed whisper hissed “Today’s the day, I’m asking Maggie out.”

“Cool,” Merle hissed back with a grin, “Did you have something in mind?”

“Planning dates and shit is _not_ Taako’s specialty,” he huffed.  “I’m used to being _pursued_ , not doing the chasing myself.”

“So no plans,” Merle concluded.

“I figured I’d ask him what he wanted to do and go from there,” Taako mused.

“Good idea,” Merle smirked.

Things were coming together perfectly.

“By the way,” Taako hummed quietly, “You’re not pulling my leg on this one right?  He’s gonna be down for this?”

“Taako I wouldn’t lie about this,” Merle replied, “Magnus is a sensitive guy with fragile emotions.  Speaking of which… Taako, Magnus has been hurt before.”

“So have I, what’s the point?” Taako curtly replied.

“I’m saying don’t hurt him again,” Merle answered.  “I want to see both of you happy, and if you’re not careful with him you’ll _break_ him.”

“Aaah, is this, like, the doting Dad thing?” Taako laughed.  “You don’t gotta worry Merle.  Taako’s gonna take this one slow and steady.”

“That’s my boy!” Merle cried, and Taako rolled his eyes in response.

It was then that Magnus came into the cafeteria, and Taako hurriedly shoved Merle away.

“Shit shit _shit_ get out of here old man you’ll ruin everything,” Taako hissed as Magnus came over.

With a laugh, Merle headed off.  As he headed for the door, the edge of their conversation carried it’s way to him.

“So Taako, uh… I was wondering…”

“Yeah I’ve been thinking we should… go _out_ sometime.”

“Oh!  Oh yeah!   _Definitely_!  You… want to go get some coffee?”

“Maggie I would _love_ that.”

Merle knew what it felt like to be in love.

It was something he hoped those two idiots felt for the rest of their lives.


End file.
